Medical Back Ground

It’s already been 3 weeks since the start of medical school, one which I missed overseas recovering, and two I’ve somewhat missed from sleeping everywhere. Whether it’s lectures, labs, and tutorials – I am starting to feel I’m exploiting my surgery to indulge in my sleep obsession. One early morning at 8:40a.m., I looked at my timetable scheduling 2 hours of pathology, said fuck it, and went back to sleep. My liver had almost nothing to do with that, yet it’s the excuse that  I used to my tutor the next day. A bulletproof reason to sleep as much as I want… I fear for my participation this year.

It sucks I’ve been away from blogging for as long as a month, I put the blame solely on Dunedin. There’s something about this rainy city that takes a perfectly happy single man and plunges him into a dark hole of loneliness. My life on paper has the perfect formula for happiness; Living with my 4 best friends + ability to skip any classes I see fit + 2nd best house in North Dunedin (really) + only a slight financial choke hold + freedom + etc. etc. yet there’s a part of me that feels a mega void, and it just happens to be too big to ignore. Most of my time awake, is filled jumping from one person to another, substituting them for my significant other.

Maybe it’s because within a week I feel that I’ve lost my best friend and a girl. My flaws have been so highlighted through this loss, I can’t even fake false pride to live up to the domain name. (In case you missed it, our domain name is a pun, playing on the word vein and vain). Being disgusted with myself, I’ve dedicated the last 10 minutes to think about this and have managed to finger the reason- I need someone who will always put me as number one whether it be when they want/need someone, or whether I want/need someone (I can handle being a close second to themselves). That just disgusts me more, being so ….. dependent. It’s ironic, because I thrive off being depended on, yet I need them to depend me more so than their need to depend on someone.

Now I know what my problem is, a sane person would say that I should change it. But, I’m not going to, rather I’m going to enhance it. This is a priceless characteristic to have as a doctor. In the hospital, I am in the privileged position to become the lone person that the patient puts their life trust behind. So what that I get addicted to their need for me, it’s not such a bad thought thinking that patients will eventually become the equivalent to my injections of heroine.

It’s 11:45p.m., and this time feels perfect to find the lost friend that I had forementioned. The story of my loss is unfinished so not appropriate to the public eye, maybe the story will become complete tonight – in which case you’ll see another blog post of something worthy of a soapy drama in an hours time.